Loneliness

[dreadlordmrson]

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My comment:
Being out there with weird hobbies is be the best way to make friends, and the less shame you have you better it gets. But it's HAAAAAARD to get over embarrassment or fear. But because last year I mentioned to my friendgroup about this one nsfw rpg I was playing, I ended up talking more with someone who'd just been a sort of 'friend of a friend' acquaintance. And now we're working on our own games together and sharing art and worldbuilding ideas. One moment of reckless "hey so I'm playing this thing I'd normally be terrified to mention I was into-" and now this cool person I was only vaguely connected with is one of my closest friends.

Comments

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

I'm glad that you made that connection!

I've noticed that socializing is largely a numbers game. A person with a common interest can go to a party of 25 people and about half of them will likely share that same interest. A person with a rare interest -- something that only 1 in 100 people like -- would have to go through four parties in order to find one other person who liked it, and that's if they made a concerted effort to talk to everyone searching for it.

Now throw in the fact that most people feel comfortable interacting with others who are within about 20 points of their own IQ. It's not that people can't cross large gaps, just that most folks prefer not to and will naturally gravitate to others who are on a similar level. Because outside that range, not only are interests often different, but the ways people discuss and interact with those interests also differ. So again, an average person would find many people in any group compatible regarding intelligence, while someone toward either end of the bell curve would have a hard time finding anyone. Even at 1/100 it's a lot of extra searching, let alone more than that.

And that's why so many weird people rely heavily on the internet for friendship. It does several tremendously valuable things:

* It gives access to a much larger pool of people than those in your local area.

* People create places devoted to niche interests like communities on Dreamwidth or independent fan websites, where those who like the thing can congregate to discuss it.

* And nobody can punch you through a computer screen. If they're mean you can just leave and there's nothing they can do to stop you.

Loneliness on a large scale means that a society is doing a terrible job of meeting human needs. So much of modern life is just prone to pulling people apart, and that's a problem, because humans aren't solitary animals. Individual humans might have a higher or lower need for company, but the species as a whole is a troop species.

I've always been aware that it's possible to be lonely in a crowd, because that's the only place I do feel lonely -- when I'm stuck watching other people have fun and I resent being dragged there instead of getting to be around people and activities that I enjoy.

Recently though, I noticed the opposite. It's possible to be in a place, know none of the people throwing an event, have no particular personal connection other than the one I went there with ... yet still feel a sense of welcome and belonging. The event itself was designed for that, with no more common ground than general proximity and vague cultural stuff.

I keep mulling it over to identify how it was done, and I can identify bits of it like the at-will-donation food line with home cooking. But largely, I think they have an emotional genius in their organization team, because the feel of it reminds me of another case where I encountered signs of that. Someone who can do the kind of stunts with people that I can do with languages or some other folks can do with computers. Impressive. And the bits that I can identify are things that can be replicated, so if you put together more of those, you could create an event that does a better job of attracting people and helping them connect.

Re: Thoughts

[dreadlordmrson]

>> A person with a common interest can go to a party of 25 people and about half of them will likely share that same interest. A person with a rare interest -- something that only 1 in 100 people like -- would have to go through four parties in order to find one other person who liked it, and that's if they made a concerted effort to talk to everyone searching for it.

That's only looking at one facet of the situation though. Here's a couple more:
If your interest is common, those people you find who share it are more likely to already have their "people I talk about this interest with" be filled. Some of them will still be open to more friends, but others will talk with you briefly about it but not make a connection. While if you find that one other weirdo into a rare thing, you're going to snap together like magnets because omg finally someone into [thing]!
Also, it might not matter if they're actually into your interest already? By having a weird interest you might make them curious. You're a novelty! You're unusual! Tell me more about custom-sculpting frog terrariums please?

So it's more complicated than just the numbers of matching interest-to-interest.

>> Loneliness on a large scale means that a society is doing a terrible job of meeting human needs. So much of modern life is just prone to pulling people apart, and that's a problem, because humans aren't solitary animals. Individual humans might have a higher or lower need for company, but the species as a whole is a troop species.

For sure!
I have a really low amount of ability to socialize regularly, because I'm am HARD introverted. Even chatting with friends I love in a casual and laid-back manner drains me. I have a lot of fun, turn off voice, and immediately get a burst of energy back because the social drain stops. But I still need that time to chat or I start to go stir-crazy in my own head. I'm on Discord daily chatting with the couple of people I'm close with. It's easier through text, though even then it can get draining and I need to take alone breaks...

>> Recently though, I noticed the opposite. It's possible to be in a place, know none of the people throwing an event, have no particular personal connection other than the one I went there with ... yet still feel a sense of welcome and belonging. The event itself was designed for that, with no more common ground than general proximity and vague cultural stuff.

Huh, yeah. You got me remembering the only concert I even bought a ticket for. Back when I used to listen to ICP they had a concert up in Oregon while I was living there, and I got it. It was incredible. Even waiting in line with all these other people passionate about being there?
One guy was mobility impaired... I forget how... a walker? And everyone rallied around him like look, this guy showed up. He loves this so much that even though he can barely walk he came here. And I sort of felt a community and belonging vicariously by being there as they were cheering this other guy on.

...then I had a couple crowd surfers dropped on my head because I was too short to support them and I was a dip in the hands. That part sucked.

>> Someone who can do the kind of stunts with people that I can do with languages or some other folks can do with computers. Impressive.

Yeah the people who can engineer that kind of emotional landscape for events are absolute wizards. Masters of social engineering. Much respect, and honor for the ones who use it for good like that.